Sunshine and Promises
by Avdal
Summary: Rey was his sun bunny, the love of his life, and the forbidden girl next door. How much longer could Ben stand it? Up until now, he'd found ways to cope and they all involved her not knowing. That and one hand in the pocket of his always baggy jeans to not give himself away.


"C'mon Ben, let's go and see Big Blue one last time, for old time's sake."

Rey was his sun bunny and his cousin all wrapped into one. She had a way about her when she got like this. Almost no one was immune to her when she wanted something. Ben isn't immune either, not at all. He just wants her to think that he is.

So he frowns in answer, but he lets he lets her grab his hand and start to drag. He doesn't put up much of a show of resistance any more than he corrects her for using the word 'time' twice in the same sentence. That part's annoying. The first part is just Rey being Rey.

"C'mon," she repeats, tugging harder as he attempts to lag.

"It's too far."

An empty argument, he's already been dragged to the threshold of the door.

"It's not," Rey counters.

Tug tug tug. Ben's feet move even if he'd rather they didn't. He's used to that, though. To letting Rey do whatever she wants.

People are watching them. Sort of. Most of them don't seem to really care that the guest of honor is being abducted.

When the door closes behind them it's a short-lived relief.

His parent's were having a party at him. Allegedly 'for' him, but, no, it was _at_. He doesn't even know who half the ambling crowd of people are, so why should he care if they think his disappearing act is rude?

"It's too hot," he argues.

Now it's a dead argument. He knows it. Rey had always loved the sun and heat. The gate closes itself behind them as she pulls him even further from the house.

Rey only smiles. Looks over her shoulder and smiles and her dimples deepen. He knows that look in her eyes, or at least he thinks she does.

He'd meant it when he'd called her a sun bunny. Ben distinctly and categorically wasn't. Inside was better than out. Pale was better than tanned. Keeping your thoughts to yourself was better than sharing.

"Ben?"

Another yank on his hand, softer this time since now they're out in the back yard and he's not fighting her nearly as much. He stumbles but keeps going, sort of, and it's Rey's turn to frown. She doesn't give up. Not that he'd expected her to. Not when she wants something.

Them she turns around to open the gate and Ben looks anywhere but at her and what she's not wearing.

"Hurry up, slow poke, or you really _will_ burn."

The field behind their back yard sort of sprawls out in a downhill way. Soon the angle of the slope will block out the sight and sounds of his family's house completely.

But did Ben mention that he's always hated the sun?

It was something that had put him at odds with everyone. With his father when he was a child who would hide from him rather than go out and play ball. With his sun-worshiping mother when he was a teen who _just couldn't_. And now, with the love of his life when he's an adult who doesn't want to be here anymore but just can't so no.

He never could, to her, so why start now?

"It's a long way, Rey," he whines again, mostly to distract himself since it's a lost cause in every way. "It'll take us too long. Too far."

Rey smiles again. She doesn't look back at him, but he knows she is by the way her ears lift up slightly along the sides of her head.

"Two thousand, six hundred, and eleven steps. Remember how we used to count it? Just a little over a mile and you'll be fine, Benny."

Ugh. That nickname. He hates it. She knows it. That's the dynamic. That's Rey, his dear sweet adopted cousin's way of begin a brat and letting him know it.

And thanks for the reminder, too. The memory of all the times when they were two very different kids but they'd run back here to get away from one side of the family or anther. He'd been her designated babysitter until she'd gotten too old to need him, and then he'd been her volunteer friend. Mentor. He liked that term, but not the other strings that came with it. Six years younger than him and Ben had had the dubious honor of watching her grow up before his eyes at a near distance.

"You'll probably burn before I do," he mutters, cutting off that line of thought before it gets him in any deeper.

Rey's ears lift and he can see how the corners of her eyes crinkle. This time he's right and she knows it. Another common dynamic but if she's going to be a brat than, fine, go ahead and burn. Showing too much skin like that. Shame on her.

Rey starts to skip and it only emphasizes his point: she's _really_ not wearing much. Little shorts, littler top, and flip flops. Plenty of places for the sun to reach and Ben sticks his free hand in his pocket and focuses on the top of the three buns at the back of her head. That seems the safest bet.

Safest until he trips and stumbles and nearly takes her down with him before they both recover in their different ways. He does it with a grimace as he dusts off the knee of his jeans and Rey does it with an agile bunny hop and then her hands on her hips.

"What? You drunk or something, Benny?"

 _Brat_. They'd just crossed the creek at the bottom of the hill. This time of year it's dry now but in the spring is a deluge.

"Distracted," he answers, grimace remaining carved in place.

" _Right_."

Then she grabs his hand again and reminds him how very grown up she is now when she takes the lead and he lets her.

Yeah, all grown up. How could he stand it? Well… he'd found ways to cope, and they all involved her _not knowing_.

Strong but cold shoulders if she absolutely had to lean on them. Grim line to his mouth since she both isn't and absolutely is as funny as she thinks he is. Eye contact only, never letting himself get caught drifting below the bridge of her nose.

One hand in the pocket of his always baggy jeans to not give himself away.

"Don't look so damned glum, Benny," she chirps. Drag, drag, drag. "You'd think you were going to a funeral tomorrow, not your new job. We'll see Blue and then be back again before anyone even knows we're gone."

No.

No, he's not going to argue about _that_ , either. Not his nickname or his new job at First Order or how they both completely know that his graduation party has nothing to do with him and everything to do with Leia trying to pretend to a group of people that life is good and they're a real family that functions and thrives.

Rey must sense when he gives in that little bit extra to her. Odd because when does he _not_ give in so how could she have a baseline?

Still, she smiles and her nose crinkles and Ben clears his throat as she practically skips and bounces and bounds down the now faded but still there dirt track they used to take together. Used to for all those years. They were just kids then. How time fucking flies.

And Ben distracts himself with that memory lane so he doesn't notice how her teeny-tiny little cutoff Daisy Duke's practically wink at him with each step.

* * *

Fallen leaves crackle in a cacophony as they go, but it's the only thing making a noise. Ben doesn't want to talk. Not now when there's so much to say.

The forest behind Ben's family home was an overgrown snarl of uninhabited land. Well, technically it was the forest behind his mother's home since Han was never around enough to leave his mark and Leia had insisted on keeping her family's property in her name. Regardless of the details, Ben still feels a sense of relief at getting away from all that back there. Not much of a relief, since he's with Rey and there's always an underlying tension to his every thought, but it's something nonetheless.

Rey hums. Some annoying tune. And sometimes she looks at him sidelong and he squares his jaw. Keep on walking. Get this, whatever _this_ is, over with the fastest.

The hills roll up now instead of down, and Ben knows they're completely hidden from sight. Just them and a combustible mix of poplar, red oak, and just enough maple to make the upcoming fall season have the potential to be spectacular. Now though, with the drought and intense summer heat, the leaves were wilted, crinkled brown around the edges. Burnt up by the sun with little hope of recovery and damned if Ben doesn't think there's a metaphor in there somewhere.

"Ben, what the fuck?"

Ben looks up, guilty as can be. He'd been looking at her shoes, but then also at the space between her shoes and the bottom edge of her little tank top. And now she looks angry and he swallows and jams his hand deeper in his pocket.

"Language."

Reflex. Then he realizes Rey is shaking her arm with the hand that he's gripping. She mouthes the word 'ow' at him and cocks her head expectantly.

"Oh. Sorry."

He loosens the crushing tightness but he doesn't let go. Rey frowns. He frowns back.

"What the hells wrong with you today, Ben?" she asks. Demands, more accurately. "There's like this whole rain cloud above your head which is great because we could use the water but now it's really starting to get to me."

"Nothing. It's nothing."

Their last day together. When he leaves tomorrow, he's not coming back. No point in telling her that, though. This time he gets his way, not hers.

To prove it, he tries to pull her forward. Role reversal. Rey digs her flip-flopped heels into the ground to stop the momentum.

" _Ben_. What is it? What's wrong?"

Talking wasn't… yeah, they talked a lot. But not about this.

So Ben doesn't answer. Instead, he watches her freckles darken and the tips of her ears turn pink as he rubs her palm in a circle with his thumb.

There. That shut her up.

They pick up the pace again, crunching along in silence. Pushing past the new overgrowth that had sprung up then died in the few years its been since they were last here. There's something nice about that, about the proof that no one else had come here after them. It makes this feel special. Their own little hidden place together.

Sometimes the grass looks a little disturbed, though. It's unsettling, because it doesn't fit the narrative in his mind. It's nothing, though. Just a deer or Chewie probably. The overgrown border collie had a way of wandering off on adventures

"I wonder if Big Blue missed us?" Rey asks, leaning close as they now walk side to side and hand in hand. Her choices, as always. "Do you think she missed us?"

Ben may be sweating and burning under the irregularly blocked sunlight, but his favorite bunny is practically an inferno wherever her arm accidental touches his own.

"I think _she's_ a bus, Rey. I'm pretty sure old, broken down bus's don't have feelings."

Rey gasps in faked outrage and Ben rolls her eyes as she slaps his shoulder.

"Oh that's where you're wrong, Benny. Blue knows we're coming to say goodbye."

Ben can't argue with her and he never could. He tries silence instead and his inferno pulls a little closer.

He adjusts both grips. Rey slows, craning her head up to the bleached out blue sky and closing her eyes for a moment. Ben watches her until he comes close to not being able to stand it anymore.

 _Kriff_.

"Almost there," she tells him. "Blue will be happy to see us, I just know it. I hope she doesn't spoil the surprise.

Ben doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything at all.

* * *

Big Blue was, in fact, an old a broken down bus. Ben hadn't been lying.

Many years ago, back when Rey was very little and Ben was still deeply a kid too, daddy-mode Han had tried to open up an unsuccessful business. Jungle Han's Junk. It didn't even make sense, but that was only the tip of the iceberg of the reasons why the store was a flop. Leia had assumed it was some sort of a front for something illicit and child-unfriendly, and this was very much in the middle of a prolonged decade or three of parental conflict.

Long story short, Jungle Han's folded within months and Big Blue, the 'where the hell did you even find this thing?' mascot of the doomed business, ended up parked in the woods as a hulking relic of bad ideas.

Or, to two young kids who desperately wanted to be anywhere but at either of their respective homes, it became the perfect playground. Or a sanctuary. A place that, many times over the years since, they'd both ran to it to hide or pretend.

When they see Blue now, they both stop hand in hand and Ben doesn't have to ask his cousin what she's thinking because he's thinking of the same things too. Memories. Plenty of them painful, but not all of them. Of the time when she was so small and Blue hadn't even lost that new old car smell, she'd been sitting out here for so little time. Han and Leia had been going at it hard, accusations and shouted threats of divorce flying so freely they hadn't even noticed their own damned son running off into the woods in a flurry of tears. Little Rey had, though, and she'd come out here all by herself just to see if he was okay.

Or when a school age Rey had come here for her own cry after Uncle Luke, the man who had adopted her and committed a new life to her, had made some sort of offhand comment. Ben doesn't remember what it was, but it had left her wondering if he'd thought he'd made a mistake. Ben had never, ever been good a comfort, but he'd tried to because he could relate, sort of. Rey's parents had abandoned her and she'll always carry that weight. Han was missing in action by then and he wouldn't come back for another eight months after that. So Ben could get it, be empathetic, because the world was a hard place and he'd learned that years ago but now it was young Rey's turn.

Or, worst of all, the very last time they both had been out here maybe three years ago. Ben had come here alone, and Rey was supposed to be at some high school dance or event or something like that. She'd left her house looking like trouble and it had only been the loud snap of a twig that saved Ben from being caught here with his cock in his hand and the image of her behind his eyes.

They didn't talk about that. Because there was nothing _to_ talk about. Ben had made his excuses, claimed he'd gotten into a fight with an again absentee Han over the phone about Snoke, his new mentor so to speak. He told Rey that he'd come out here to smash some stuff because he's a twenty four year old fuckup and that was kind of his thing by now. Being an irrational thug that smashed shit was a much easier lie than any truth.

Neither of them hadn't come back here since then. Grad school had come and gone, then Snoke even more into the foreground and his job offer and a whole new set of old arguments about _that_. Not from Rey, though. She'd stayed out of it but now she was here again.

"Looks just like we left her," Ben muses.

More or less. The grass has grown higher and more wild, the blue paint more faded. The memories every bit as vivid as they ever were.

Being here with Rey now suddenly is sacred. This could be it, realistically. Rey is not that teary eyed little girl anymore. Now she's grown up and about to go off into the big wide world to forge her own life.

A life that Ben can't be part of.

Ben has no allusions as to what's going to happen when he starts working at First Order. It's a fucking criminal syndicate with a pretty front office and he knows it while others only suspect it. His family doesn't want it for him, but they don't get a say in his life anymore. Or maybe they never did.

"Ben?"

Sweet little bunny. She sounds worried for him. Ben blinks, shaking away the rising shadows from his mind, and then there she is right there with him under the sunshine of his parent's backyard.

"Lost in thought," he repeats. "Let's… it's been a while, you know?"

Rey nods, her lips curling but her smiles not meeting her eyes.

"C'mon, I told you I've got a surprise for you."

And she pulls and Ben frowns. But he lets her because that's kind of what he does when it comes to her. She leads him, slowly drawing him through the nearly thigh-high dried grass to Big Blue's door.

'It's open?" he asks, "someone's been in here?"

Probably just a bear or something, but the thought of a stranger violating this piece of his- of _their_ childhood-

"I told you, I've got a surprise for you."

The door is an accordion school bus style, though Ben has no idea what Big Blue was once used for before she was painted the color of the sky and left out here to be forgotten. Then the inside of the her hits him hard.

So goddamn nostalgic. Dusty. A few cobwebs. A crack in one of the side windows that didn't used to be there. But everything else is right where he'd last seen it.

Rey's old books, those thrillers for young adults she used to devour when she was thirteen but then got bored of since. Ben had bought her them and he'd wondered if she kept them but also forgot that yes, she did, because they were still here stacked up neatly on the board over the bricks along the wall.

Another step and Ben sees an old shirt of his. Vaguely remembers the time near the end of the Big Blue era when Rey had been cold so he'd given it to her off his own back and had spent the rest of their day together freezing and hiding it.

"Wow, she looks good, doesn't she?" Rey ambles, her thoughts apparently more pleasant than his, no surprise. "I was worried squirrels or something would have gotten in, but everything looks great."

Ben doesn't really hear her. Or he does, but his feet are taking him away to the back of the bus. A row of seats line the far wall and Ben toes at a cardboard box underneath them and shoved into the corner. When Re was really little, like six or seven or so far back he's not quite sure, but she had come out just to keep him company as pre-teen Ben suffered through whatever the hell family upset had driven him here. She must have known even at that age to take care of herself, because she'd brought a shoe box full of toys. Cards and dolls and other little things to keep herself entertained while she kept him company. Like, even then, she knew he needed her and even if that meant she was bored and didn't understand she still-

"We're going to stay in touch, right?"

Ben interrupts himself with his sudden question. He tears himself away from that so long forgotten box because, if he doesn't- _No_.

"Huh?"

Rey has her back to him. Adult Rey, with her grown body and her hair still in those three buns and every part of Ben fighting to accept that the child she once was is gone forever. That the part of their lives when they were unlikely best friends sticking with each other through anything has run its course.

"Tomorrow? When I move to the First Order headquarters and you go off to college… we're going to stay in touch? You're not..."

Rey still has her back to him and Ben can't finish the sentence at all.

"Rey?"

He takes a step closer, now having to duck around the almost-comical pendant lights of the ceiling when he once couldn't even reach them.

"I guess we're both moving on, huh?" She's holding something with her arms bent and wide and Ben can't stop staring at the back of her head. "That happens, right? These things happen."

She turns to him, and the smile on her face isn't any more real than it lasts when she sees his own expression.

"Gods, Benny. Don't look at me like that. _You_ were the one who took that kriffing job."

Most of Big Blue had been stripped out, but behind her is the driver's seat. Ben had taught a twelve year old Rey how to drive there because she asked him to and Uncle Luke had said she was too young. Big Blue didn't drive anywhere, of course, her engine was deader than dead by that point. But he'd showed her the basics of three pedals and a gear shift and had her practice until she was ready to steal the Falcon and crash it into an Azalea bush a quarter mile down from his house.

Rey's punishment had been two months of grounding and his had been two months of having to having to look after her after school. It hadn't been so bad.

"I don't want to leave."

Rey gives him a sideways look after he says it. He knows that look. That's her 'you selfish fuck' look. He'd taught her that phrase, too, but only by example after shouting it at one or the other of his parents during a particularly bad late teenage tantrum.

"You don't want to leave me, Benny? You sure?"

Positive. And her select choice of words hurts just like he's sure she meant them to.

"I- I have my new job," he argues, slope of high ground sliding right out from under him. "And you have… well, the whole rest of your life ahead of you. So why does this feel like a goodbye? Like, once I leave tomorrow to work with Snoke and-"

Rey stops him with a silent snarl and sharp jerk of her head. Whatever she's carrying bounces with the movements and Ben blinks and looks down just long enough to register that she's holding a cooler. Han's old work cooler, to be specific.

"Don't even mention Snoke, Benny. You know we don't like him. Not a one of us. He's this creepy old man that been 'mentoring' you for fucking ever and we don't like it so don't say it."

Ben gapes at her before he absolutely has to look away anywhere else. Here in the sunlight he doesn't know her anymore. None of his family has ever fully come out and said any of that, even if he felt it from them through every grimace, rolling of the eyes, or imploring 'just think about it a little more?'

But he _has_ thought about it, and that's the thing. If he stays and has to watch Rey grow up up and away then… He has a short temper. A shorter fuse. He would never hurt her, love of his life that she is, but he might just come out and say something and that would be far worse.

"Rey."

Ben steels himself. Sucks in a deep breath and grounds down into his soul in preparation to lay down some hard truths. He's leaving. She doesn't get a say in it. The end.

But of course he folds the moment- no, the moment _before_ the moment- when he turns back to his sun bunny and she's starting at him with Bambi eyes. Open heart, open soul, don't kick the puppy. Not today, on their last day.

He swallows. Rey's eyebrows pull together and high, the epitome of an angst and sadness filled frown.

"What's in that?" he makes himself ask. "Is that the surprise for me?"

He assumes it is and he says it as flatly as he can. Rey's lips waver, then he watches as she bites the lower one and nods.

Cease fire accepted. Now they're back on track to pretend to be family on a trip down memory lane.

"Yeah. I, uh-"

Rey shifts past him to set the cooler down on the old card table they'd brought here one year to play Catan on. Ben presses himself against the wall to keep her from brushing against him.

"What's in it?"

He hovers, really not caring. Rey's hurt puppy eyes start to soften at his feigned interest.

She opens the lid and spins the box to face him.

"Take a look. I snuck out here before the party to hide it ere. I hope they haven't melted yet."

Snuck isn't a word. Ben wants to tell her that, but he keeps his mouth shuts and peers in.

Two Nutty Buddy ice cream cones, still wrapped in their individual foil. Half sitting half floating in a cooler of slushy ice.

"Oh… wow. I haven't had one in years. That's nice of you."

Ben tries to make himself seem more invested. Rey shifts uncomfortably, not buying it.

"They used to be our favorite, remember?"

Ben nods. It's the definition of the thought that counts, but his Rey had obviously gone to some effort to do this for him.

He picks them both up in his hands and shakes the water off. Offers one to Rey with a flourish like a maitre'd holding a fine vintage.

"Shall we?" he asks.

Rey steps away, nodding and backing up towards that row of seats along the back wall. Ben follows without even realizing it.

"This is the first time I've seen you smile all day long, Ben."

She smacks the cushion of the seat and a cloud of dust flies up.

"Good reason for that," he tells her. "Here. Use this."

A shake of that old shirt and he hands it to her, watching silently as she wipes the dusty seats down then spreads the shirt out on top. She flops and Ben watches from a distance as parts of her bounce with the movement that didn't used to do that.

"C'mon, Benny. Get over here."

She pats next to her. Starts to unwrap her ice cream cone and, for just a flash of a moment, Ben starts to wonder.

But no, of course not. This is Rey. Sweet little miss sunshine cousin Rey.

Ben sits. Eats in silence and doesn't really taste it. He looks straight out along the length of the bus and can almost see her. Nearly picture that little girl at different moment. Sometimes laughing and playing, sometimes crying, sometime letting him in and sometimes reaching out. Two awkward, lonely children who would try to talk, try to comfort, but neither of them had a damned idea how back then and they still don't.

Rey's hand falls on Ben's thigh and he nearly jumps out of his skin.

"You're really quiet today," she says. "Like, more quiet than your normal so it's like death in here. Death in a church in the middle of winter quiet."

Ben was almost finished, getting to the crunching on the now slightly soggy cone part of his treat, but Rey had barely even started hers. Now it's melting, starting to spill across her fingers, and her kriffing hand is on his thigh.

He needs to get away and stay away.

Ben tries to stand and the hand squeezes, holding onto him. It makes Rey bounce and rise with the movement and of course, of-fucking-course, Ben starts to get hard just inches from her palm.

"Jumpy much?"

Her lips sparkle and a line of white melted ice cream starts to serpentine down her forearm.

"I."

Just the one word. One letter, hardly even a word. He wills his cock to go down before she notices because how can she not, she's right at eye level with it…

"No good? I thought this was your favorite?"

Her hand lets go to snatch the remaining nub of his ice cream cone away and Ben backs off in a stumble.

"It's fine."

Weak. Very weak.

His karma is watching helplessly as Rey smiles, leans down, and lick the sticky trail off her arm.

"Rey."

His voice is hoarse and no amount of jamming his hand into his jean's pockets can keep him down anymore.

"Maybe you're right," she pops the end of his cone into her mouth and chews it exaggerated. "Maybe it's too hot to be out here today. This is just making a mess."

She laps at her own cone, not even half finished. Ben starts to get angry. This. Is. On. Purpose.

It is, right?

"We should go back soon," he tells her. Doesn't take a step towards the door as her head starts to bob up and down.

"Okay."

She doesn't get up. Keeps working on her ice cream and looking up at him. There it is. There's that bratty challenge in her eyes.

"Get up."

Her eyebrows raise. Ben's blood starts to simmer. Obstinate doesn't cover this bunny, she's being a pain in the ass to punish him and they both damned well know it.

"Looks like you already are," she answers.

Another streak of white seeps out from between her fingers and Ben would throw himself into the center of the sun to get away. She looks down, obvious and deliberate, and they both _know_ what she sees because the sun's at the perfect angle to show the effects her little performance has given to his shadow.

"Still want to leave me, Benny?"

If anything, the pace of her serving the half-melted ice cream only slows down. Maybe it's time itself that does that. But Ben glares, good old reliable anger coming to the surfaces first. He latches on hard. Refuses to back down or scuttle off.

He stomps closer. Just one step but the whole bus shakes with his barely controlled anger. Many things are irritating him right now, and that makes it easier to tap into. The brat in front of him. The rasp of his unhappy dick in his pants. Time to lay down the law.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Rey?"

Rey flushes. Doesn't answer. Keeps working on her cone.

He wants to fuck her silly. Ben's never thought that before. Never _allowed_ the complete thought to form as a whole and not just a collection of spank rambles.

"Rey, I'm going back to the house now. We won't mention this ever. Not now, not ever. When I come home for the holidays you'll be on your-"

"I don't think I'm going to come home at all."

She sticks the end into her mouth and crunches loudly. Ben isn't sure he heard her right.

"What-"

"You were right, Benny. This feels like a goodbye. But, if you want to leave, go ahead. I'm not going to stop you."

She leans back, facing him head on even if he towers over her. There's hurt in her eyes and Ben's emotions jump like a seismic needle.

He rakes his fingers through his hair. An old reflex that gives him a half second of a barricade between her gaze and the truth always written over his face.

"Rey, I'm _not_ leaving you. I've got a new job, you're growing up and going off to college. You make it sound like..."

He doesn't finish what he was about to say, but she gets it loud and clear. It's Rey's turn to look away now. He's got abandonment issues. Fucking hell, Han was probably not around more than he was present, but nothing like Rey's and the whole orphan-to-adopted thing.

"Let's not fight," he tries. "Please. Rey, let's… forget this, whatever this was, and let's just try and make a few good memories today. Tomorrow I'll call you right before I leave and when my plane lands and when I get checked into the hotel. Every step of the way, I promise. And the moment I get a day off, we'll make plans and hang out again, just like old times, okay?"

He's rambling. And lying. Rey stares at him for so long and so seriously that his erection actually starts to soften.

"I want the same things, Ben," she says after a long, long moment of silence. "I want us to make some memories of today too, but without all that bullshit that you said after that. We both know that when you go to Snoke, go work for that creepy fuck new boss of yours, you're not coming back for a long, long time. And neither will I, and you know why?"

He squares his jaw. Yeah, he knows why.

"Because-"

"Because you think you're doing me a favor, Ben. Because you think I haven't goddamn well noticed you noticing me. And so you're running off, throwing me away for my own good, because you think that I can't handle that my own cousin wants to-"

"- _a_ _dopted_ cousin, Rey. We're not actually related."

Of all the things he could have said at that moment to diffuse this, Ben just can't help himself from saying the worst one.

"We're not- well goodness me, Ben. Let's me thankful for that."

Rey looks down. Ben's not pitching a tent anymore, but she looks at his crotch anyhow. And he watches terrified and mesmerized as crosses her arms over her chest and catches the bottom edge of her top like she's about to pull it off.

Ben doesn't know what to do, so he does what he does best. Get angry.

"That- this- this took _two_ , Rey. Not all on me."

Her arms pause with her top drawn up to just under her tits.

"Two huh?" she drawls. "Just like old times, then. Just you and me."

Ben believes in fulcrum moments. Those unique points in time where there's no going back either way you choose. He's been waiting for his fulcrum moment with Snoke. Has been trying damned near everything to make it happen.

Instead, he gets his bratty cousin playing games with his head.

"Make your choice, Benny. My arms are getting tired."

It's like she can read his mind. But if she could, she wouldn't be here now. She sure as hell wouldn't have gone out into the woods alone with him.

Anger is easy and life's too complex, so Ben makes a decision.

He grabs the bottom of her tank top himself and forcibly yanks upwards, dragging her body closer to him and yanking her top up until it was bunched under her armpits.

"Is this what you wanted, Rey? This is what you dragged me out here and did all of that for?"

She was wearing a sheer, lacy black bra. That was a 'fuck me' bra as any he'd ever seen, but he still needs to hear it from her herself.

"Well Rey?" He wraps a hand around her waist and pulls her forward until his renewed erection is pressing against her stomach. "Got something to say about this, or have you had enough?"

Kriff, he's not just angry, he's fucking _pissed_. Rey couldn't have just let things be. Couldn't have just let him fucking well pretend and everything would still be fine and dandy forever.

Rey's shaking, visibly trembling, but she's not backing down. No, she looks him square in the eye, her heated glare being broken only when she pulls her top over her head herself.

"Yeah, _B_ _enny_ ," she tosses the garment away, still glaring just as hard as she's blushing. "This is exactly what I want. I want some fucking honesty."

Her chest heaves. His nostrils flare. Her skin burns and his hand on her waist twitches.

"Honesty?" he asks.

"Honesty."

He looks at her chest. Looks back up to her lips. They're parted, panting, nearly snarling. His cock twitches at the sight and he wonders if she can feel that too.

"Honestly, Rey? Dear sweet little Rey? Yeah, I'm leaving because of you."

Ben doesn't know what expression crosses her face. She shakes her head, saying no to something. Pity neither of them are any good with words.

"I'm not your damn scapegoat, Ben. You're running away scared, tail between your legs because you don't think you can handle the ugly truth? Own up to it. Be a fucking man and control your own destiny."

Sometimes he wants to throttle her. Brat. _Brat._ Pushy little girl who doesn't know when to stop toeing the line.

"Okay Rey." He wraps his other hand around the side of her neck, holding her steady in a rough parody of a lover's caress. "I _am_ leaving tomorrow, and it _is_ because of you. Because, if I don't go somewhere very, very far away from you, I'm not going to be responsible for my own actions."

Rey swallows. Keeps on glaring. Ben can feel the muscles in her neck move under his palm.

"Fuck me."

Calling his bluff. He said she was a brat, didn't he?

"Rey? Shut the hell up."

Neither one of them are backing down from this, apparently. A more dangerous game then she must realize because, every time her stomach moves against his hand or her tongue flicks out to wet her lips, his cock twitches and starts to leak.

"I meant it, Ben. I'm not your victim. You want to go fuck your life up getting tangled with those First Order scumbags, you do it knowing exactly what you're throwing away. Now let's fuck and get everything between us out in the open."

Rey presses her palm against the front of his pants. Ben raises an eyebrow, wondering if she really thinks grinding his zipper against his cock is going to turn him into putty in her hands?

"You going to blame me tomorrow for everything, Rey? Might make it easier on both of us if you do."

Okay, so maybe that crossed the line. Rey's snarl turns into a full on growl and she jerks her head free. She pushes at his chest, shoving him back harder than he'd thought and Ben is caught off guard enough to let her budge him backwards.

"Sit," she says.

Orders, more correctly. And she shoves again harder when he just stands there. Ben lets his knees buckle. Allows his body to collapse back into the dusty cushions of that backseat because his hand is still on her waist and he's damned well dragging her down with him. They end up tangled, Ben on the bottom and his hands stubbornly refuse to leave her even as Rey twists herself to be more in control of their positioning.

"Last chance," he warns.

A trace of fear in her eyes. She tries to hide it, but it's there. Ben kisses her so he doesn't have to see it anymore.

This part is sweet. This part is nice. He closes his eyes, romance scene style, and lets himself enjoy the feeling of Rey's- of _his_ sun bunny's- lips against his own.

He lets go of her chin and she doesn't pull away. No, he can't see what her face is like, but her lips stay right there on his. She's sort of kissing him back. It's uncertain and some dark inner part of him practically crows as he realizes she's letting him take the lead.

A quick swipe of his tongue over her lips and she opens for him, following along perfectly as he deepens their kiss.

When he pulls away after a moment, he smirks. Rey's eyes are closed, face flushed to a perfect pink. She even leans forward for more, perfect bunny that she is, until she must realize what she's doing.

Then her head drops and her eyes won't meet his anymore.

"So-" she starts but doesn't finish.

"Last, last chance. You can leave now, Rey, and it will be like this never happened."

She swallows and he follows every subtle movement of her throat.

"And- and if I don't leave?"

He strokes a loose strand of hair off her face and tucks it behind her ear. Then he pulls back both of his hands, giving her a clear and unimpeded route of escape.

"Then something will happen. Your choice, but you'll have to live with it just as much as I will."

Rey looks at him. He waits. Her moment doesn't take her very long.

"I want to give you a piece of me, Ben. Something we'll both have forever that you can't throw away."

It's not very nice how she keeps saying that. But the truth is an ugly thing, admitted as such by her to him, so no real surprise there.

Ben swallows down his next question, managing to dry-heave a good portion of his emotions back into himself as well. He toys with the left strap of her bra, rolling his fingers underneath the elastic before snapping it back against her skin. Now that they've gotten past the 'don't get caught looking' stage, the fullness of her lips and the shape of the cleft of her chin are absolutely fascinating.

"What did you have in mind?" he asks.

She must catch where he's staring and what he's thinking. She squirms, and one of Ben's hands goes to the small of her back and strums its fingers along her spine.

Rey sucks her lower lip in between her front teeth and Ben hums. His cock twitches, pushing insistently against denim and the soft skin of her inner thigh.

"I- I can-" she rolls her head in a way that Ben assumes is supposed to mean something to him. "You know- c'mon, you _know_ what I mean, you don't have to make me say it."

Ben's smile grows. The hand on her shoulder pushes down, in sync with both the force of gravity and him opening his knees so she starts to sink through.

"Oh I know, Rey. But I want to hear you say it anyhow. You've dragged me out here from my own damn party full of my friends-"

Rey scoffs at that one and Ben can't help but crack up too before recovering his composure.

" _Anyhow_ , you dragged me out here, tormented me, and are now attempting to seduce me. You're acting so big and grown up now, Rey, so why don't you use your big and grown up words? Tell me how you're going to make me remember you when I leave?"

He loads the dare as heavily as he can, carefully choosing each word to clarify his position. If his little sun bunny wants to get some ass- get _his_ ass- this afternoon, she's going to have to open herself up to him too.

Rey's eyes darken and her lips pout. Ben twitches again, picturing her just like she is now but sweatier and with mascara streaks running down her cheeks. Pity Rey was never a makeup girl, but it's a charming mental image nonetheless.

"Fine. _Fine_."

She puts her hands on his knees and shoves them wider apart to make more room.

"You don't have to be such a dick about this, Ben. You really don't."

He smirks and her eyes flick away, her nose crinkling in barely hidden annoyance at him. This is a good thing. Rey was always the most bold when she was angry. No doubt that explains why she was hardly the straight A perfect student that Uncle Luke had wanted her to be because she was always too busy bending the rules.

"Go on."

His hand drifts to the back of her head, stroking her hair as he contemplates if he should take it out of her buns or not.

Hmmmm… No. Ben rather likes her hair up and her knees down on the floor between his feet.

"Ben?" Bunny pulls her head free and he settles back against the cushions. "Ben, you talk too goddamn much."

Ands, with that, Rey reaches for his waistband and pulls it taut with one hand while the other roughly drags down his zipper. Ben hisses and jumps a little at the feel of sharp metal teeth rolling over his most vulnerable part.

"Fuck Rey," he mutters as he helps her slide his jeans just far enough down his ass to give the fabric some slack. "What guy _w_ _ouldn't_ love the idea of getting an angry blowjob? It's like our favorite thing ever."

Rey snorts. She's blushing across the bridge of her nose, her cheeks, and even all the way to the tips of her ears. Ben doesn't think she's ever looked more perfect.

"Ben."

His name and he gets it. She's pissed but also hesitating, now that it's just her and him and a thin layer of black cotton between them both.

"Never done this before?" he taunts. "Never sucked off some early shooter little shithead at your school? Afraid that you can't handle me even if this was _your_ karking idea start to finish?"

If he keeps Rey angry, then he keeps her bold. Win win, because teasing Rey has been a lifelong passion for Ben.

But then she pouts again, disarming him in an instant with the subtly hidden plea of her eyes.

" _Ben_ ," she repeats.

He strokes her cheek. She bites his hand, her little teeth leaving indents in his palm. Ben didn't think it was possible for him to be anymore in love with her until that.

"Lots of hands," he tells her, "lots of mouth, take what you can and we'll figure out the rest as you go."

Another lifelong passion of Ben's? Teaching Rey. Teaching her anything, really, but how to give a blowjob has to have the greatest appeal of all.

He gives Rey a moment to gather herself. Butt up, scoots his jeans down to below his knees, then frowns and looks down at her.

"Comfy?" he asks.

She won't meet his eyes.

"Not really."

The floor of Blue is really dirty. It probably hasn't been swept since… since the fall of Jungle Han, probably. The protective side of him flares up, or maybe it's just his inner priss and this reality doesn't meet the stands of his imagination.

"Do you want me to get a cloth or something? This isn't really hygienic and your bare knees-"

"For the love of gods Ben shut the fuck up."

She reaches for his boxers and, in a flash, his hands move to help so she doesn't guillotine his cock with the elastic band.

Rey was cautious and very curious with her blowjob lesson. An absolute delight, in other words. She touched his cock like it was a butterfly made out of antique glass.

"You can go a little firmer," he tells her.

"But-"

"You can go a little firmer," and he wraps his hand over hers and shows her.

He teaches her how to stroke him. How to work him up to full hardness even if he was already pretty much there anyhow. He could do this better himself, truthfully. But knowing that this was her, this was _R_ _ey_ , quickly coaxed out the first drops of precum.

"Open."

He puts his other hand on the back of her head and pulls. He even threads his fingers through the loops of her buns just because it seemed fun and kinky and Rey's annoyed 'harrumph' made this moment even better.

Her mouth is too tentative. Not enough suction and an unwelcome graze of teeth. Her tongue is good, though. Ben sighs, slumping against dust as she laps at the head.

"More of that," he instructs, "wrap your teeth with your lips and try to take me in further."

With the mental image of fucking Rey's throat fresh in his mind, Ben already feels his orgasm start to build. She doesn't go anywhere near his balls-to-chin vision, but for an obviously shiny new beginner Rey does very well. Probably about half of him is in her mouth, the back of her tonsils tickling against his cockhead, and their held hands work up and down the rest of his shaft.

"Good girl," he praises. "You're a quick learner."

He lets go of her hand to flick the tip of her nose and Rey glares up at him. She tries to mumble something that may or probably is a variation of 'kiss off', but he tightens his grip on her hair and forces her to say it around him.

Then she does it again, this time on clear purpose, and the vibrations make Ben both chuckle and moan.

"You sure are punishing me, Rey. Definitely teaching me a lesson now."

Rey's eyes lose focus as she tries to take him deeper. Ben shifts, scooting his hips back while guiding her upper body into a better alignment. He gives her more wiggle room, though not much, but enough that she can start to bob her head up and down.

Rey makes a noise as he begins to fuck her face in earnest. It doesn't sound like an unhappy sort of noise, details pending, so he picks up the pace.

"More tongue."

And more suction, but she does that one on her own. Quick study. Good girl. It's been a long time since Ben's had this quick of a race to the finish line.

"You're going to need to swallow soon, Rey," he tells her, the pace of each word broken with a grunt and a thrust. "Every drop. I want you to drink every damn drop."

What Ben would really like to do is come all over her. Mark her in white and make her walk back to his parent's home wearing him on her hair and skin. She would deserve it, wouldn't she? Should have listened to him when he said this was nothing but a bad fucking idea.

Rey nods though. Ben really likes this obedient side of her. Finally letting him be in charge because was that so damned hard that it had to take this long?

"Oh fuck."

He closes his eyes then, letting every sordid fantasy he's ever had of her- and fuckity fuck if there weren't a lot- play behind his eyes as he feels his stomach muscles tighten and his hips take an irregular pace.

Ben's gotten blowjobs before, usually from sloppy drunk sorority girls. Nasty girls who may not have even known their names and they all somehow looked like the same person. He'd never come in their mouthes though. That was a new experience to share. Feeling Rey's throat contract as she tries to do what he told her to when he spills himself. Her eyes bulge but, to her endless credit, she doesn't try to pull away. She does the opposite, actually, sliding her head down even further on his length so he can shoot his load straight down her throat.

For a few moments Ben has found paradise. Fucking a warm hole is better than fucking his hand, and fucking Rey is singularly the best damned thing that his ever happened to him full stop.

Then those few moments are over. Disappeared in the fury of an absolute tidal wave of shame and self-disgust. No poignant moment here, the horror of it all hits him so hard and fast that Ben literally chokes on his next breath, even the air refusing to accept him after the depravity he'd just done. He shoves Rey away, stumbling to his feet so quickly he almost trips and tangles into her. He still has his fucking cock out, for fucks sakes, and he's still fucking _hard_.

"FUCK!"

He jams himself back into his boxers, yanking his jeans back up so hard he pops two of the belt loops off with his fingers.

He. Is. Repulsive.

He just face fucked his own fucking cousin.

He deserves everything that's going to happen to him.

This is why he has to leave. Because he's scorched earth and the universe hates how it made him.

"Fuck!" he shouts again, this time more hoarsely.

He can't look at her. Weakness. That's what he is. Pure weakness.

"Well that was fast."

He hears Rey rise up from where he'd shoved her away, but absolutely no part of him can bear to look at her.

"Are we done, then?" Rey asks, her endless heat settling close behind him. "That's it? You're ready to go and I'm really that forgettable?"

She knows how to press every button. This is why you shouldn't fuck someone you've known your whole life. This, and a hundred million other reasons, each one worse than the last.

"Ben."

Her hand, her little paw, on his bicep and Ben nearly jumps out of his own skin. He's starting to lose it, lost that fine thread of control that has been growing thinner and thinner with every moment.

"I have to go."

He means it. If he stays… He means it, but he only makes it three steps. A muffled suck of air behind him freezes him mid-stomp. Because he has no choice, because he's always been hers and is only now just starting to come to terms with that, Ben forces himself to look back.

Rey is already starting to cry. Those three steps of his apparently enough to confirm his utter abandonment.

He's just fucked her throat and now he has to comfort her, what sort of monster even finds himself at a place like this?

"I'm sorry."

His voice is uneven. Rey looks up at him through tear-wet lashes. Then she makes a show of wiping her chin on the back of her hand, eye contact never wavering once.

"Good to the last drop, Benny."

It's hard to make Ben speechless. Rey jumps when he punches the wall of the bus. The sound of it booms hollowly, but she doesn't move. She should be scared of him. He's scared of himself, so why isn't she?

"I want us to be even," she says.

If there was any doubt in his mind what she meant, Rey clarifies by getting up off the dusty floor and turning. She walks away from him to the seats at the back with a sway to her hips. His little sun bunny, three buns, lacy bra, and daisy dukes that she unbuttons and slides a hand inside when she sits.

"Did you hear me, Benny? I want us to be even."

Rey touches herself coyly, only the movement of her hand under her shorts gives it away. She sighs when she looks up at him, her eyes falling to the same half-lidded they had been just minutes ago. She's leading him on. She has to be.

"Rey, don't." He really doesn't have a chance, does he? "We shouldn't have-"

"Kiss my ass, Benny. I get it that you're done with me, but I'm still going to get a turn of my own whether you want to help out or not."

Her hands picks up speed. Her eyes close more, and a little sound from her throat makes Ben start to lose it. All he wants in the whole wide world is to bury himself inside her. Have every part of her, mind, body, and absolutely her soul.

"What's wrong, Benny? You seem pensive."

That fucking voice of hers. That fucking look in her eyes.

"I need to get out of here."

Again he tries to leave. Oh wait, no he doesn't. Ben just stands there, growing harder by the moment. Rey spreads her legs wide, her hand now really encountering some tension and he can see how hard she has to work to rub herself while fighting the fabric of her shorts.

"You sure about that, Benny?" she taunts. "Because you can leave. I'm not stopping you."

Her hand pulls back out. He can't see if her fingers are wet or if it was all a cruel lie.

Reason, one last attempt at not condemning himself to sheer torment forever, tries to take over.

"Truth, Rey?"

She doesn't look like she wants it. She looks like she wants something else, but not the truth.

"Hit me, Benny."

He swallows, mind numb. Stupid.

"This-" he gestures at the space between them "-doesn't touch you. What just happened is… it's all on me, okay? I took advantage of you and I have to live with that but-"

Rey cuts him off again, this time with a furiously silent mouth 'fuck off'.

"I can still taste your come in my mouth, Ben. Do you know that I've always wondered what you taste like? Well now I know, don't I?"

If Ben were any less turned on and confused and furious he would tell her not to talk like that. Not to be so nasty.

But the word that sticks out at him from all of that is _always_.

She's _always_ wanted him.

"You-"

You are a psychopath, but what does that make me?

Rey waits with a raised eyebrow. He can see her chest start to heave, her breaths coming shorter as she fights with whatever she's facing on her own side of this.

"You're selfish," she finally says, sticking her hand back in her shorts.

This time she starts to shimmy out of them and Ben just doesn't care anymore. That's _his_ job. His fucking honor, not hers.

He catches her wrist and yanks it back. Rey glares up at him. Her fingers shine. Apparently girls can be furiously angry and horny at the same time too, who'd have thought it?

"I'm not selfish."

Weak, pathetic, and giving in yes, but selfish? That's a low blow, considering that everything he's done up to and beyond this point was for her.

Rey's lips frown. They're too pouty, too begging to be kissed. Devoured.

"Then prove it."

Well...

Ben lets go of her hand and pounces. He pushes his bunny back against the cushions, grabbing her hips then dragging her forward until she's flat on her back. As he grabs the sides of her shorts, of those fucking fuck-me Daisy Dukes, he doesn't break eye contact. She wanted this, so she gets to see everything that's coming to her.

"Brat."

"Traitor."

Traitor? Odd. He dismisses it, refocusing on the nearly bare skin he uncovers as he slides her shorts off her legs instead. Black panties. Lacy. So tiny they almost don't count.

"You came prepared for this, didn't you?"

Her thighs are tightly pressed together and her arms fidget, shifting against the seats.

"I dress to impress."

Ben pauses, steadying himself. In an abrupt change to delicacy he traces the scalloped lace band of her thong. Her stomach jumps under his touch, tanned skin breaking out into adorable little goosebumps.

"Second thoughts?"

She's so damned close. The more his head drifts lower the more she fidgets and the more she shuts up.

Rey shakes her head. He looks up at her, his chin resting on her right hipbone while his hands play with the tightly pressed seam of her thighs.

And he loves the way she looks right now. Every bit a hot mess and he supposes there's symmetry in that as well. Rey. His sun bunny. Forbidden fruit he's about to eat and all she does is stare back at him with eyes wide with unshed tears and raw desire.

"Spread your legs and wrap them around my shoulders, Rey. It seems like you're in need of another lesson."

She's trembling now. This time it's a full body shiver and Ben almost wants to call the whole thing off. Bunny clearly didn't know what she was getting herself into, did she?

She whimpers as she opens her legs, bending at the knees but _not_ putting them where he had asked. Always having to be difficult because she's his Rey and if she didn't give him he hardest time about every damned thing he wouldn't be such a puppet in her hands.

"Brat," he mutters again.

Then he pulls her panties down, sliding the flimsy and noticeably soaked piece of nothing off of her with a great deal more care then he had with her shorts. She tries to reach out and cover herself but a quick slap to her wrist makes her recoil.

Because she's such a spoiled brat… well then, she deserves to be spoiled, doesn't she? He spreads her legs wider, holding her legs apart for her because they're shaking so much she probably couldn't on her own.

"Shy?"

He makes the word breathy, savoring how her skin twitches under the assault of air. Rey gasps, her trembling 'fuck off' barely audible.

Just to make her jump, he does it again, blowing across her slit. Rey doesn't disappoint. Her eyes squeeze closed, hands fisting against the cushions.

Ben savors his moment of victory with looking at this new but often-imagined part of her. Her pussy is flushed, swollen, and freshly shaved. She's very wet, with her inner thighs glistening and her folds puffy with honest desire.

"Did you get turned on blowing me?" he asks.

His palms rests on her public mound, gently pulling up and stimulating her before direct contact.

The only answer Rey gives is a short and frantic nod. She's still not looking at him but that's fine. Maybe it makes it easier.

A kiss to her lower lips and her first real sex moan makes Ben feel so bold.

 _This_ he likes doing. A lot. Ben had several ex girlfriends. All of them slim little brunette things, but he wasn't overcompensating. He also didn't leave them unsatisfied. For all his many many uncountable shortcoming that they'd seemed only too eager to extol during Breakups A through D, Ben's eager oral skills hadn't once come under question.

This is different, though. As if he hasn't stressed that enough. But this is _Rey_. She doesn't taste like anyone else, because she's not just anyone else.

He's eating out his forbidden fantasy and he was wrong before, _this_ is as close to heaven as a sinner like him will ever achieve.

She did that to him, now he gets to do this to her. Even. Fair. This brings the universe back in balance and now nothing has to change.

Rey's cries are short and desperate. Her thighs squeeze his head until he forces them wide again. Her clit is a swollen pink pearl that draws his focus. He suckles on it gently, being extra mindful with the tender bundle of nerves, and his efforts are quickly rewarded with a flood of liquid down his chin as she comes and comes hard.

She yanks his hair, practically tearing it out of its roots as her hips buck up, smashing his face against her center. He hadn't expected her to climax so quickly. She'd even beaten his sound-barrier breaking performance.

As she comes down, her cries echo against steel walls, filling Ben's ears with the sweetest sounds of female satisfaction. He's achingly hard when he pulls away to nuzzle his messy face against her now slack inner thigh.

"Fuck me, Ben. I need more."

Time rings as he collects himself. He was afraid she'd say that. Afraid she _wouldn't_ say that.

"Tell me you liked that, Rey," he says, buying himself time. "Tell me that I made you come better than anyone else whoever put their mouth on you."

The male ego is a fragile thing, Ben knows this. Knows that it's very dangerous to let himself inflate at the heated glare she sends down at him. Something about seeing her like this, sweaty and pink and blissed out on all the endorphins he just made her feel, is enough to make him forget that some things just aren't possible.

"No one, Ben. Just you."

The male ego shouldn't hear such words. Ben feels the rift form inside him, the tear starting to cut through his soul. She was right all along, clever little thing.

"I wish you would stay here, Ben. I want to make you stay."

Another kiss to her thigh and Ben stands up. He can't answer because… No. Don't think. Thinking isn't what either of them wants right now.

"Are you a virgin?"

He grips himself through his pants as he asks it, giving his cock some much needed attention. If they stop things now, then he'll still have to get himself off just so he can function again, how sick is that? Suspended here on the edge and, if his bunny is about to break his heart, he'll still have to get himself off.

Rey swallows, her legs scooting closer and ankles crossing to shield her from his view.

" _Of course_ I am, Ben. How could you think I'm not?"

Virgin. Tight. Untouched. He could be the first one. Find a way to take her with him, somehow, and he could be the _only_ one.

"You've had boyfriends," he argues.

And he's had girlfriends, his conscience echoes, but only because he couldn't have the real thing.

"They weren't you."

Oh. Fuck.

He opens his pants again. Rey bites her lower lip as she watches him and, speaking of echoes, the deja vu hits him hard enough to pretend this isn't real.

Still, though, something isn't quite adding up.

"I took you to get birth control, Rey. Remember?" He grips himself through his underwear while Rey watches with a listless expression. "You said you needed it and we lied to get away. Then Uncle Luke found your pills and flipped his lid and we lied some more."

That had been one of the times that a version of the truth had come dangerously close to the surface. It had been two years ago and Luke had given him a look as Rey had stammered out a half-baked excuse about having bad cramps and needing to regulate her period. Luke had looked at _him_ , not her, and something about his face had told Kylo to back the fuck off and stay off.

Too damn close. Uncle Luke had never liked Ben. Guess he knew something the rest of the world had pretended not to see.

"Come inside me, Ben. I want to know what that feels like."

Ben snorts.

"What porno did you hear _that_ one in, Rey?"

His cock doesn't think she's so ridiculous, even if the rest of him does. Rey smiles, and it's the sweet reprieve from all this seriousness that seals his fate.

"This is going to..." He hovers over her, fisting himself as he tries to find the right words. Basically a metaphor for their whole relationship. "You know this is going to hurt, right? I don't want to hurt you, Rey, but this time I think I kinda have to."

Rey rolls her eyes. Ben feels a pinch of annoyance at that.

"I can take more that you think I can, Benny."

She spreads her legs and starts touching herself again. Apparently they're going to fuck in the dusty old relic of his dad's failed entrepreneurial dreams, damned if there isn't another metaphor in there too.

Ben strips naked and Rey watches but doesn't speak. Her hand moves between her thighs and he wonders if she's doing that to distract herself.

Then she giggles. Ben's bare-assed naked, rock hard, and his bunny is _giggling_ at him.

"What?"

He stops himself from crossing his arms because that would just look too ridiculous.

"You started frowning as soon as you took your socks off."

He blinks down. His cock juts in greeting back up at him, and he rolls his ankles from side to side.

"The floor is dirty, Rey."

She giggles again.

"Gods you're such a prick. Now get over here, I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

He could argue the point that that's also something men just love to hear, but Rey's reaching out for him. If he doesn't take charge himself, she's going to grab his dick like a handle to drag him over to her.

The cushioned seats at the back of Big Blue weren't designed for two people to fuck on, but there's definitely a will now so there's a way. It's a logistical fumble, but with some effort Ben settles himself down between Rey's spread legs.

She trembling again. He kisses her slowly, really prolonging the foreplay because she'll need it.

His kisses gradually shift lower, his lips pressing hungrily over the column of her throat. His hand drifts, pulling hers off herself to he can stroke her just right.

Rey moans as he wraps his lips around her nipple. A gentle suction, and his thumb circles her clit lazily. This meticulous teasing isn't just to get even with her, though maybe a little. Ben knows she'll need to be really, _really_ turned on for this not to be a horrible first experience for her.

Case in point, he tries to push his middle finger inside her and it takes effort, that's how tight she is. Rey whines and he sinks down to the third knuckle.

"Do you want to come again?" he asks.

"Huh?"

He starts working on her other nipple and now his thumb presses on her button. Rey gasps and her inner walls flutter invitingly.

"Do you want to come again before we fuck?" Ben isn't sure he can wait, but he has to ask. "It might help loosen you up more."

He tries to press a second finger inside her virgin passage and Rey's upper body tries to curl itself around him, her hand flying to the wrist of his hand between her legs.

"Nhnnn- Nnnhnnnnnnn."

That's not really an answer, but Ben kisses her forehead. He slides his first finger out and flicks it over her clit until she starts to relax and shake again.

"Fuuuck, Ben..."

Two fingers and the amount of resistance her body gives him makes him wonder if this will even be physically possible.

"I need- I need-"

Rey mumbles, then trails off. He pumps his hand, getting her body used to the motion.

Rey's second orgasm takes him by surprise. Manifests in the form of a full body shudder and breathy gasp. Ben hadn't thought she was anywhere near this close, but as soon as his mind wraps around the fact that he's feeling her pulse against his fingers he remembers to take advantage of this opportunity.

He vigorously rubs her clit with his other hand, distracting her and the two fingers inside her become three. He has to be rougher than he'd like, simply because Rey is thrashing in his arms. Overstimulated. Still coming. He tries to scissor her and her breathy cries of pleasure take on an edge of pain.

"Shhh," he hushes.

He keeps his hand in her just like it is until her walls stop pulsing. Rey lays there limp as a rag doll. Completely at his mercy.

"Ben?"

"Yeah?"

His fingers withdraw and her eyelids flutter.

"I think we're making Big Blue blush."

The sunlight is spilling over the edge of the skylight above them now, sizzling everything it touches. Ben laughs both at his bunny's joke and the fact that tomorrow he's probably literally going to have a sunburn in strange places.

He palms her slit, coating his fingers in her release before stroking it over himself.

"I should have thought to bring some lube," she comments airily.

His cock is shining with her slickness and Ben still has to take a moment to forget this is real.

"You really planned this all along, didn't you?"

A shadow flickers across Rey's face that has nothing to do with the steady sunlight. But she shakes her head and reaches out for him, pulling him into an embrace.

"Breathe," he tells her as he aligns himself.

Rey grits her teeth. Ben probably grits his too, because it takes all of his failing will to not just sink to the hilt in her in one smooth move. Shockingly tight heat envelopes him but he was right before, they fit perfectly.

Rey doesn't cry out. Too much pride for that. Her body tightens like the line of a bow, though. Her back arches, her head pressing back against Blue's cushions. Ben pauses midway in to suckle on the breasts that she's so obligingly presenting to him.

When he's buried to the root inside her, Rey holds his face in both hands and looks in his eyes. He reaches between their joined bodies and traces a fingertip along the edge of her filled entrance. When he pulls it back, there's a hue of red to it that he traces over her lips. He hopes she can taste it when he kisses her, muffling her shocked cry to his first real thrust.

Rey stays quiet. Refuses to cry out but the pain is clear in her eyes. Ben tries to stay slow. It's a losing battle when she's _this fucking tight_ , but he tries anyhow.

Slowly her body stops fighting him. Parts of her relax while others tighten. A flush blooms over her chest, sweat breaking out over both their brows.

Ben's getting really close now. The whole bus is rocking now with his heavy thrusts. The most movement the old relic has seen since she came here.

"Rey..."

She bites his collarbone, her hands raking welts against the bare skin of his back.

"Inside me, Ben."

He bites down hard on the inside of his jaw to not finish right then.

"You need to come first," he tells her.

First and soon. Climaxing together is the stuff of movies, but real life doesn't work out that way and Ben fundamentally needs for her to peak first before he does.

"I'm… I'm trying."

Rey closes her eyes, taking him beautifully even as he picks the pace up to a level that would have left her keening only a few minutes before.

Ben helps out however he can think to. He cradles her face, kisses her lips, pinches her nipples. Rey starts to get tighter. Starts to moan with each thrust. It's not until he wrestles his hand down between them and presses down on her clit that he gets what he wants.

Rey's third climax starts hard and ends harder. She cries out, her voice voice deafening so close to his ears. Then every part of her tightens to a vice and that does it for him too.

Ben spills himself inside her, fucking his come deeper into her with each of his erratic thrusts. He probably sees stars or a white light or some shit like that, but it's hard to tell when he doesn't even know which way is up.

It takes him a good long while before he's empty enough to come back to himself.

And then a quiet falls, neither one of them daring to speak and break this moment in half.

The mood changes because it has to.

* * *

Ben holds onto Rey tight. He ignores how she doesn't hug him back. His arms around her are enough.

"Rey."

He wants to tell her everything. Wants to explain himself and let her no that, without her, he's not himself anymore. He'd been heading down that path, fighting so hard to be someone else. And now he has her and he doesn't care, they'll find a way.

Rey doesn't answer, but she pulls herself close now. Tucks her head right under his chin and there it is, the proof that this is right. They fit together and the world can just go to hell, and it's always been like that hasn't it?

Minutes trickle by and the heat between them finally starts to cool even if the day is still scorching. Rey's fingers roll knots again his back. He kisses her cheek, then lifts his head up when he finds it wet.

"Rey?" he asks, reaching down to wipe away her tears but stopping himself before he even starts. "What's wrong? Those are happy tears, right?"

Her lips curl up. The saddest smile he's ever seen on her.

"I love you, Ben."

She doesn't have the eyes of a child any more. It was a hard truth to accept, but it was worth it. Worth everything just to have this moment with her.

"I love you too, Rey."

This is why people go to hell. Not because they are so overwhelmed with temptation to the forbidden, but because something comes along that they would give up anything for.

Except… Except when they can't.

Ben shifts her underneath him until he's hovering above her, propped up on one elbow. Rey watches him, her mind more locked up from his gaze than he's ever known it. He strokes her face and everything hangs in the balance. A true fulcrum moment.

"What's going to change?" she asks.

That awful word. Ben doesn't want change. He never did.

"Nothing," he promises.

The moment of balance hangs, waiting.

Another tear streaks down Rey's face. Ben watches helplessly.

Liar," she says.

And he gets it. He finally gets it. Rey had said she wanted to give a part of herself to him so he could never throw her away. What she had left out was that she would be stealing her own piece of him right back. Now neither of them would be whole ever again.

Rey's hands push on his chest and Ben lets her roll him away. She's leaving. Leaving him before he can leave her. An orphan's revenge on the universe and he can't even argue because it's the right choice.

"I think we both have a lot of growing up to do," she whispers.

Ben doesn't answer. He watches her in absolute silence, too struck mute by heartbreak to try and stop her. Rey dresses, not meeting his gaze, and all Ben can think is that the weight of the whole universe is crushing down on his chest and he can't breathe.

He waits until the sound of her footsteps crunching against the leaves fades into nothing. And then he waits some more. The anger should come soon. The dark side of him should start to prowl, bearing it's teeth and crying out for blood. He's already thought about what he's going to do. He's going to burn this whole fucking place down. Take a lighter to Blue and watch the past go up in flames. Burn _everything_ , leave no memory behind.

Ben's fingers twitch. The first outward movement he's had since she left. He can almost picture it now. The flames. The cleansing. His rebirth. He doesn't want to be Ben Solo anymore. Doesn't want to be someone so weak as to let what had happened happen and then throw it all away because he was even weaker still.

The anger is coming. He feels it. Embraces it. That recklessness that he's going to need to rely on. And this time he's really going to fuck something up. Ruin everything so badly he won't have any choice _but_ to move forward.

And then Rey's words reach him right as he's crossing over another tipping point.

 _I'm not your scapegoat, Ben. Own it. Be a fucking man and control your own destiny._

All this time, all this damned time, he'd thought that he'd been shielding Rey. Now she's sacrificed herself to save him from himself.

Ben stands, dresses, and runs. No anger. That doesn't come. But he has clarity and he doesn't look back.

* * *

Ben doesn't bother going back to his house. That door's closed and he doesn't want it anymore if he even ever did. His parents can go fuck themselves. His fucking shitty past can go fuck itself. Snoke can _really_ go fuck himself.

The garage is a separate standalone building from the house. It's a small kindness from a universe that almost succeeding in breaking him, but he'll take it.

Ben throws open the door and there she is. Rey, his sun bunny, slumped against the hood of the Falcon and crying her eyes out.

Maybe she'd been crying too hard to drive away. Maybe that's why she was still here. Or maybe she'd changed her mind about him, too.

"Rey?"

Sometimes all he needs to say is her name. Ben hopes to the gods this is one of those times because he has nothing else right now.

Rey glares through red-rimmed eyes. She shakes her head and the world lurches. But then she reaches her hand out to him and flips him off.

"Let's blow this joint, Benny."

It's hard to smile when you're a fucking basket case who's just experienced the highest highs and lowest lows within a few minutes of each other, but Ben tries anyhow. This time when he holds her, absolutely crushing her to his chest, he doesn't let go.

* * *

author's note:

So did anyone make it to the end? Anyone? Hellloooo?

Well, if you've made it through all of of this monstorous one shot: so how was the sex? I didn't want to make it necessarily as blow-by-blow explicit as in some of my other smut pieces. This is more of an emotional story with the sex as a side effect and hopefully that idea came through.

And there are certain similarities with this and my other NaNoWriMo smut piece The Devil's Lucky Number. I'd written this one first, so this one was the OG and the Devil was hopping on for the ride not vice versa. Original version of this I'd written 7k into when my computer ate the file. Gone forever, many muffled tears, but, you know what? I think this reboot is much better. This might… might be my favorite fanfiction I've written. Or maybe not, I think my personal best written is still oldie but goodie A Vulgar Display of Power. This one though, I'm pretty proud of.

And if you're interested, kindly leave a comment telling me you made it through this, or you can find me on tumblr at lost-inthesunlight so you're very welcome to hop over there and say hi or yell at me from a distance ;)


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